Do you want more time at home with your family? Want to watch more daytime television? Fed up with driving?

The answer is simple — just read this “courier bible for non-believers” to learn the five secrets to NOT getting more subby work!

1. don’t communicate!

Whatever you do, don’t communicate!

The aim is to keep the customer guessing, avoid making a commitment and keep your options open. Whatever you do, DO NOT do any of these:

• confirm “GOB” (goods on board) when you have collected the consignment
• tell the subber about any problems or delays
• call in a “POD” (proof of delivery) when you have delivered the goods

And you should avoid answering your phone, but if you do answer don’t say who you are — a general-purpose “ug” is the best thing to say. You get extra points if you answer the phone while driving, but drop it on the floor and shout “I’ll call you back”.

2. don’t be too professional

Remember, nobody likes a smartass, so you need to keep a good layer of dirt on your van, wear scruffy clothes, call everybody “mate” or “squire”, and always swear in front of the customer.

If the inside of your van is clean and tidy it will look too professional, so always carry a few tools and some odd boxes. You won’t want to use blankets or straps for your loads, but it’s good to have a few scattered on the floor of the van.

And if you can pick up an ebay job to deliver some spare wheels that will add to overall image. You can always fit this kind of job in while you’re doing a “dedicated” delivery.

3. advertise yourself

You should take every opportunity to advertise yourself, and steal some customers if you can. The cheapest way to advertise is to carry cards and flyers with you and hand them out whenever you do a subby job.

Don’t worry that this will bring in too much work, the customers won’t be interested and the subber won’t give you any more subby work — result!

4. don’t waste time on paperwork

You didn’t become a courier to do paperwork, right? So don’t waste too much time on it — all these are good tips:

• don’t write down any instructions for the job, the subber is just fussing and you can work it out as you go
• don’t get a clear signature on PODs, and don’t ask for printed names
• when you take the job, don’t ask for job numbers, names or purchase order numbers
• when you send your invoice, don’t use invoice numbers and don’t include any job details on the invoice

5. have high expectations

You’ve got to aim high, so always demand top rates for subby work and demand payment in 7 days. Remember you have to get at least 45p per mile for backloads, and you’ll want extra for working on Fridays or weekends.